Tears of A Clown...

In May, it will be one year since my illness.

I haven't talked much about it, but I feel it is

time. I have tried to go on with my life and 

pretend that everything is the same. Only it isn't.

I look the same, my heart is the same, but the

voice is different. Some days, I have no voice,

other days, I struggle to push out air sounds,

and some days, I talk but it is hard to understand

me. I have been laughed at, stared at, treated

like a freak, asked where I am from, and I

continue to smile and go on. I am behind the

mask of a clown. Yes, I cry. It hurts. I have

asked, "Why me?"

I have prayed and prayed for God to heal

me and put me back like I was. That is 

not going to happen. What I have left is

all that I will have. I have seen many Dr.s
and specialists. They have been down

my throat, down my nose, looked at

my brain, looked at my ears. Everything

that they can test, they have. They cannot fix

my voice. I have been told I have Spasmodic

Dysphonia or Vocal Cord Dysfunction.

Apparently, it is from all the coughing that

I did for almost 5 months. I still continue to

have severe coughing spells, sometimes

three or four a day. Doctors are experimenting

with botox in the vocal cords, but I have opted

to not have this procedure. For some people it

helps, and others have lost what little they have

left, or had absolutely no change at all.

I am not a gambler, so I opted out on this

choice. I am taking what I have left and calling

it good. I am through with dr.s and tests and

experiments. I am no longer a Guinea pig. I

want to move on with my life as much as I can.

If you are new to my blog, then you now know my

story. If you aren't, then you have now been

updated to my progress. This explains why I

love to blog, here I have a voice. I can talk

normal(whatever that may be) and
be heard loud and clear.  I am not asking

for special treatment, I am only asking

to be respected for who I am.

I don't know why I am meant to take
this walk in my life, and someday God will
explain that to me, but for now I continue on
my journey and smile, behind the tears of a clown.